“My Head Explodes”

Pardon my jumping around throughout blogs, I’m still not positive if any of my family have found my main one, Coffee and Spellcheck, yet, and I really just don’t want to risk it.  Day to-day rambles will still be posted there, this one is my Cafe Journals substitute.

The huble approached me again this week, informing me that it is indeed time to start moving forward with moving.  I had personally been playing the whole avoidance game, praying that if I ignored the whole thing it would indeed just go away.  But apparently you can’t avoid things forever.

Things have been getting pretty tough around here, financially.  We’ve cut back on everything and are getting ready to cut back on what little is left.  Which also may include the interwebs sooner than later, yay (sarcasm on the yay there).  Thanks to Obama his employer is basically cutting wages after 4 years of no raises or bonuses.  Yipee.  And yes I have proof that it’s thanks to Obama, but we can discuss that later.

And I’m only mentioning the above in case I suddenly disappear from the internet, and to give you the whole story, it’s not a big old “waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, poor me” thing.  You deal with what you have to deal with, it’s just the way things are.

So the urgency is developing from our current financial situation and because his neck surgery thing is not doing so well.  His doc is extremely close to making him quit his line of work.  We can’t even begin to live off of social security.  (And hello I’m major conservative, tpsob, so it kind erks me to even try, no offense to those who do need it)  So the obvious thing would be for me to hang up my domestic apron and slide on some heels.  But um, yeah, I live nowhere, and have no experience outside of the dog and early childhood education world.  So I could make tops, $9.00 an hour… which we all know would not even pay the gas to get to any job, let alone pay for child care, insurance and bills.  And am I the only one who get’s peeved at the fact that the huble would be sitting home playing video games all day everyday?!  But yes, I would do what I would have to do, I’m not that spoiled.

In comes the Minnesota option.  His family is from central, northern-ish Minnesota.  More central-ish than northern-ish.  Huge resort town.  We’re talking every store is all souvenir based, and cute little themed restraunts.  His father owns property, one which sits on 8 acres of land, with a little beaver lake, and a small 3 bedroom cabin-ish house.  This land has sorta been promised to us at a low low low rate.  There is but one dog facility in the entire region.  And they honestly blow.  The huble is well-known for his shepherds he used to sell and train up there… so it would almost be an instant business.  That’s IF the economy levels out at all. 

So he wants to move.  (And I’m sorry if this is long and boring, and if you’ve heard this all before, but it helps for me to clear my mind)  And there are many benefits:  I’d have his dad around.  His dad is a huge DYI’er which my husband is not.  I am a big DYI’er, but have never had someone to help me, and there I would.  The man builds cabins on his own, real log cabins, handmade… *drools*.  And I’d have my MIL around for constant help.  And may I say I love that woman?  WE both knit and crochet, garden, have the same mindset… AND last time I went up there she had the coffee ready and in mug before I walked in AND stocked up on wine for just me and her.  (Side note, she’s the huble’s step mom, his mom mom died a few years ago)  This woman is my older twin.  And she is going through radiation treatment for breast cancer, she could probably use some help. 

Other benefits are again the lack of competition (Missouri is swamped with anything dogs), and a more well to-do clientel potential.  Bob Seeger, Julia Roberts, Bon Jovi, William Shatner all have summer homes around that area… and those are just the names I can remember.  My business that I’m still paying for in student loans could really take off.  And then you have the less important plus points, more hunting, fishing, camping, hiking.  Better potential to feed ourselves (elk, deer, bear, moosen, fishing, fishing, fishing), better land to garden in.  No snakes, no spiders.  And my husband would no longer be working himself to death so he MIGHT actually lighten up and do stuff again.  Maybe.  And he’d be closer to his granddaughter.

But…  Winter.  Everyone knows I loathe winter.  Long, cold winters.  Huble promises I’ll change my mind after he gets me real winter clothes and shows me snow-mobile (they don’t even have those for sale around these parts) stuff, winter festivals and ice fishing.  I’m still pretty sure I’ll have to be hospitalized every winter.  I’m all ready miserable with our 38* temps.  I HATE COLD.

And I have never lived further from my family than a two-hour drive.  We’d be 15 hours away.  My mother and I have always been tightly wrapped, and I cannot imagine being so far away.  It would be easier for me if she had a boyfriend or a husband, or maybe other children to care for her… but it’s just me.  It honestly breaks my heart thinking about leaving her.  She is extremely close with the boy and girl (‘ello they are her ONLY grandchildren) and we see her almost every week.  She’s still 9 years away from retirement, and I’m pretty sure has no interest in moving to Minnesota.  And to add to my worry both my uncle and aunt had seizures in the past two years, and got seriously hurt when they happened.  There’s no explanation to be found, but they are only okay today because their spouse was with them… again, my mom is alone.  I don’t like this at all! 

To be real I wouldn’t miss anyone else that much.  My father only comes around when he needs something, and I only see my (half)seester about once a year.  So my hold back is my mom and the damn cold.

Of course there are worries if we’d even be able to sell our home in this economy, and how the hell does one move all their belongings across 2 states, including 3 dogs, 2 cats, 2 birds, fish, 4 chickens and a goat?!  Ok actually we’d re-home the chickens, the fish, the birds and maybe “not muh kitteh” (the goat goes where I go, there’s no discussion there).  But still, half of our furniture is new and I don’t want to sell off everything.  Ugh. 

And then you have to look at the business plan.  I have a pretty damn good plan set up, down to every last penny needed and every little daily task written out.  But right now I’m stressed and exhausted.  Trying to cut corners, and manage the house, land and animals… can I take on anymore?  Can my husband and I work together?  Will I ever sleep again?  What if it all fails and we have to move back with our tails tucked between our legs?!

There’s so many questions and so very few answers, and it’s all driving me insane, literally. 

The minions are waking up, so I suppose this should be wrapped up.  Thanks for trying to follow along.

Trouble

My daughter has been trouble since the moment she was conceived.

Yesterday I spent 99.9% of my time pulling superman like stunts to save her precious little self from killing herself. 

In one day we learned how to climb into a chair, then how to pull said chair out from under the table to climb on the chair again, then we learned how to climb from the chair onto the dining room table, and then we learned how to pull the chairs in from the other room, back to the table and to climb all mentioned objects quickly.  And then we learned that falling from said objects hurts, but really who cares when you reach the sweet sweet success of being on top of the table before mommy catches you.

And then we learned what “NO” truly means, but still, the top of the table, it ROCKS!

The most important lesson?  Babies have bed times so mommies can drink and ice up their baby saving injuries.

In a Year…

Life has forced me to do a lot of thinking of where I might be and what I might be doing a year from now.  I always seem to be waiting for someone else to make that first move for me, and it never seems to happen.  (duh)  I don’t pursue writing because I’m waiting for that cheerleader to do flips in front of me, exclaiming the awesomeness of an idea and to beg me to push forward.  I don’t go after anything in life because I’m always waiting for someone else to move me forward.

I can’t keep waiting.

So I’m sitting here this morning trying to pull answers out of my coffee and figure out exactly what I want to see myself doing one year from today.  All I know is that I do not want to be sitting here, still trying to figure this out, one year from now.

In a perfect world, a year from now, I would like to see my schedule full of lessons (dog training), Schutzhund, agility and AKC obedience ribbons and plaques filling my wall, a published book with my name on it gracing my coffee table, a spotless organized house, an etsy store selling out of my creations, a better homes and garden centerfold garden and a championship, pedigreed, barrel racing quarter horse out grazing with my goat.  And to top it off a successful blog centering around politics with phone calls to appear on Morning shows across the country.

I may be a bit of a dreamer.

But maybe I could challenge myself to:

  1. Resolve the whole “what state are we going to be living in” issue, so more things can be planned out and more realistic goals can be made.
  2. Admit that Journey (the cattle dog) has to be retired, and start looking into what breed can carry me through the mix of goals I have. 
  3. Lock up my doubt and drown it in wine.  Finish this first edit of Denali, and get it out to the experts and find out once and for all if I have any talent and if I should pursue this or not.  I can skip doing a new book this NaNoWriMo and set my challenge to be a complete re-write in 30 days.  ~Little goals~
  4. The house is an easy one, I just have to stop being ADD about everything and follow through.
  5. Purdy things can be made after everything else gets ironed out. 
  6. The garden is all wrapped up in #1, #4 and #5.  ~Baby steps~
  7. I had to sell my horses when I went to school 7 years ago, and I still don’t have the time to have another one.  BUT I could maybe pencil myself into my own dang schedule, and ride someone else’s horse again… let them care for them and pay for them, and maybe I’ll make a new friend.  ;p
  8. I’ll let the famous political blog remain a dream.  I might have some talent for writing fictional novels but blogging really hasn’t been my thing and I’m okay with that.  Anddddd my favorite political blogger and radio host gets threats against her family daily, I can pass on that one.

So it’s something, a wee bit of focus that I’ve been lacking.  Even if it doesn’t make any sense.

What’s your goals?  I want to hear them.  Now.  Go on, share.  TELL ME.

Back of the Bus

I just don’t get it.

When did we decide to go back in time?  When did we decide to throw all of our progress out the window when it comes to race relations?

Morgan Freeman (whom I almost liked as an actor) claims that the only reason the Tea Party Members dislike Obama is because he’s black.  And he’s not the first to claim this. 

I guess folks like Morgan Freeman have amazing special translation powers that can take pleas to lower taxes and to abolish Obama Care as “Get that Black Man out of office!”  Or debates of immigration and budget cuts as “White Power!” 

I’m always shocked when race is brought up with Obama, I honestly don’t see what his color has to do with the lowest approval rating for a president… ever.  I’ve never looked at him while he’s rattling off another speech and thought, “Someone has to get this black man out of office”, I’m too busy trying not to lash out at my tv to even notice what color he may be. 

So why are we playing the race card in the year 2012?  Aren’t we over this YET?!  Didn’t people already pay for this debate with their lives so we could live based on equality instead of skin?!  Mr. Freeman why are you destroying everything Rosa Parks fought for?!  I don’t get it.

Should we jump on some retarded backwards wagon and shout out racism every time some one bashes George W. Bush?!  “You only hate him because he was white!!!!”  No, that would be bullshit.  People dislike him for his crazy spending and bad policies at the end of his term.  How about Clinton?  Was he impeached because of his skin?  Was Mr. Powell only in the white house because of the color of his flesh? 

But what do I know?  I’m only a TPSOB (tea party son of a bitch).  I’m a rich, older, racist, white man, and I only hate Obama because he’s black.  Which is totally odd, and I should be on the news, because I swear I’ve birthed two children from my own womb, and I’m only 30, and I’m pretty sure my bank account doesn’t even have enough money to buy a soda, and the media has to remind me that Obama is black, because honestly I don’t care if he was purple or spotted with silver sparkly gems and red stripes… but I am white, so it all must be true.  *headoven*

Martha in Camo

My huble apparently ended up with a small, teeny, tiny version of my cold.  I’m talking so small that it’s already gone, and I’m still dying.  So of course he had to call in sick Friday and go to the doc’s.  *grumbles*

And we all know that when we’re sick and dying the first reasonable course of action is to go hunting.  Which of course means I must file at least 50 lawsuits against all of them darn doctors who always advised me to sleep when I was sick.  Who knew.

Anyhow, somehow he became convinced that I too must go hunting.  Which of course I responded with obscene amounts of laughter.  Me, hunting, in a tree stand, a 30 foot tree stand, up in the air?!  Right.  I’ll get right on that, after I finish off a bottle of wine or two and forget my horrid fear of heights, which by then I’m positive I should not have any sort of weapon within my grasp, let alone be climbing trees.

But the man was determined.  Dang it.

So along came Emily’s mini tree house thingy up in the corner of a long abandoned lean-to.  Great.  The 6 foot fall will only break a few bones if executed correctly.  Unless I land on the old abandoned sharp, rusty metal objects that we hid from the FHA inspectors back when we bought the place.  Any bets?

My “stand” was built, the bow was drawn, and I was sent out, alone.  (please forgive me bow goddesses for my husband still won’t buy me a recurve)

And then I figured something out…  I was alone, in the woods, 100% alone (minus the goat and a lone chicken that was sitting on my lap).  My phone was off and no children would be sent out to a momma with a loaded crossbow… and I had a full case of beer.  Alone.  Silence.  And I for no clear reason brought along a pen and a notebook.  I think I found heaven.

 

Granted my heaven needs a padded seat and an extension cord for the coffee maker or a space heater, but I’m not going to complain too much, yet.  (ps, the writing on the paper, may or may not be for the book, which I may have or may not have found the balls to work on again)

One hour Friday afternoon, and 2 1/2 hours Saturday night and Sunday night, all to myself, watching the sun go down… friggen priceless.

Of course the issue remains as to whether or not I could actually kill a deer remains unanswered.  I love venison meat with a passion, I can gut and process the sucker, and I can hit a bullseye 95% of the time with that bow… but kill something?  Well…  (of course snakes and deadly spiders are always on my hit list)  We’ll just have to see what happens.

And then there’s the question of how long my husband will continue to demand that I go out there…

And then there’s the other question as to what the hell was I hearing out there the other night…  The infamous Moosen Goosen?  Or an epic battle between a bear and a turkey? 

Maybe, just maybe I shouldn’t be left to my own devices out there.  I’m just saying.

Vote for Me

Hey. 

I wanna be your next President.  Vote for me. 

My plan is pretty cut and dry.  If the house gets in my way I’ll send them all to cuba, or Cambodia.

No new taxes.  None.  Save your speals, every moron gets that you don’t save the economy by taking more money from people.  There will be a tax reform, but in ways of cuts, not raises.  So again, no new taxes, no tax hikes.  This is pretty simple folks.

War.  Every terrorist, domestic or foreign will die.  End of story.  I will not stop until we can once again get on an airplane without being groped. 

Healthcare.  This one is so flippen easy.  Free market.  It’s time the mongrels in the insurance companies have to earn and compete for your business.  Just like McDonalds, you’ll be getting prizes with every Doctor visit and BOGO coupons in your mailbox.  Why the hell would men in ties who specialize in political science be involved in your medical care?!

Welfare.  Earn it.  The whole program will be re-built.  If you’re not trying neither will we.  I believe in helping people out who truly need help and who are truly trying to make it, but no more living off the system.

Social Security.  I will 100% separate it from the government.  No tapping, no spending, no nada.  This system is failing fast.  And I can’t guarantee it will be saved.  But we can invest into it, instead of wasting it. 

What else am I missing?

Education.  privatized.  No more public schools.  Each county is responsable for funding their schools, regulating their teachers and making it work with the help of their community.  Competition.  That’s how you’ll get more money and better teachers. 

Budget.  Do I really have to go into this?  CUT THE DAMN THING.  No more jetting politicians across the country for golf, no more fancy dinners and stupid government jobs.  CUT.  No healthcare teams, and white house updates.  CUT.  No more committees, no more nothing. 

Jobs.  See all of the above.  Stop taking Joe’s money and he can hire an army of minions to fix all of your plumbing needs. 

Touchy Subjects.  For argument and time’s sake let’s just go back to the constitution.  Give the States and there for the people back their power and they will work it out.  That’s the point of having States in the first place.  I detest things like abortion, but I’m running for president not dictator, let the people decide what is best for them.  I’m just here to keep our country strong and secure, not to make moral decisions for those who voted for me.

And that’s the whole point.  It does not take a genius to do this job.  It takes a leader who listens and who lets the people run the country.  It’s not about knowing what is best for the people, but being able to use common sense and not be a total moron.  It’s about doing the job and not giving speeches every five minutes. 

So again, vote for me.  I have absolutely no sponsors, no experience, no gigs with corporate companies… nada.  And I’ pretty sure that makes me the best choice.  ;p  And I have a goat, which proves my awesomeness and ability to run an entire country.

Feelings Explained

I’m going to try to explain my post on Facebook yesterday before the minions wake up.

I wasn’t trying to fish for compliments or attention, so perhaps I should’ve kept my mouth shut about the whole deal.  Which doesn’t mean I’m mad at anyone or upset… I’m just, well, lost or something.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately.  Time is running up on making the call on moving and what have you, and my husband’s neck thing isn’t doing so well.  So I’ve had to weigh any possibility on if there was a way for me to ever bring in income that would actually pay for bills.  And at first I started to chart out ways I could profit off of “talents”, at first I was positive.  Then I looked at what others have done, and I saw something.  I don’t have the talent. 

Yeah, I know it takes practice and work and yada yada, but I’m a firm believer in having to have a talent to begin with before you can develop it.  And then I looked further back into everything I had done, things that I had really worked on, and noticed the only support I ever had was by people that were required to support me.  The things I really thought were excellent laid empty…

I get the message people were giving me.  I get it.

I tried to fight my way back out of this mindset yesterday, I typed and typed, and deleted.  I just can’t pretend to be something I’m obviously not.  Which all sounds incredibly depressing, bitchy and annoying, but I’m still just trying to explain the way I feel right now. 

*Sighs*  I don’t know really what else to say, or how to spin this into something other than a huge friggen pity party. 

So there it is.  *shrugs*

A Stormy Morning

Rain is gently falling outside my window with frequent flashes of lighting and grumbling of thunder echoing through the valleys around me.  The storm itself is calming, smells like home and makes me want to run back into bed.

But I’m up and already hugging my coffee mug, I should have stayed in bed.  My mind doesn’t want to play nice this morning and has already begun its laps in my head. 

I’m thinking that I’ve been wasting time pursuing some crazy dreams.  I’m thinking that the talent has just never been there and perhaps I should just move on.  Who was I kidding?

I hate this sort of thinking.

I hate it when your own mind leaves you feeling lost.  Just like I hate when the thunder drifts off and gives sign to a dying storm when you still need the rain.

Sometimes it’s all for the best, sometimes not… who knows.

But that’s all I have for now.  We’ll see where it leads.

Crash and Burn

I was kind of proud yesterday, happy even with the work I got done and especially with the post I wrote on my other site.  I was proud with what I wrote being that I found something that wasn’t all doom and gloom to focus on yet it still was 100% connected.  The feedback I got was amazing as well.  And it highlighted the whole being of my faith, showing what I believe without bible bashing and the like.  I’ll say it one more time, I was proud of me.

Of course the huble didn’t notice any of the work I had gotten done, but I didn’t really care.  That’s just typical man for you.  But his response towards reading the post was not what I expected.  “That was pretty good, you need to pursue selling this stuff, really getting it out there.” 

Me, inside my head, “Wow, did he actually just show an interest in me writing?  No way, 5 years of this and he’s finally onboard with me trying to get published?!” 

And then the huble said, “Ya, maybe you could get on with Hallmark writing cards or something…”  *insert loud whistle followed by big huge crashing sounds and explosions*

Hallmark?!  WTF.  Greeting cards, um, thanks, but no thanks.  *headoven* 

 Not quite what I was needing to hear.

Moral of today’s story: Men are morons, ’nuff said.  (Hey Hallmark, do you wanna buy that line?)

 

These are the Critters in Your Neighborhood…

I have lived in Missouri, in these neck of the woods for 30 years and one month.  That’s a long time, in my opinion.

In 30 years (and one month) I have seen stray dogs, cats, horses, cows. I have tip toed carefully over logs to avoid Copperheads, cotton mouths and the like.  I have used long sticks to clear my way of brown recluses and black widows.  And I have had near misses with coyotes and foxes.

I’m okay to that, all of it.  I can handle myself quite well here.

But there’s danger in them there woods.  And I’m not talking my elusive Moosen Goosen.  Or has his real identity been discovered?  *shivers*

While sitting next to my dear woods waiting for the boy’s bus to show up my neighbor approaches.

“How’s your animals doing?  Everything okay?”

Me- ”Fineeeeee.  Why?”

Neighbor- “Um we almost hit a bear right here (points wildly like simple country folk do when telling a story) last night.”

Me- “No way.”

Neighbor- “Yup.  Big one.”

Me- “Lovely.”

Now I know Missouri has always had a small black bear population.  But I’m talking small, tiny, like they really don’t exist.  So what’s the luck of them making a comeback… in my backyard?  Right.  My luck.  I probably have 50 of them next to my garden.

The neighbor also informed me that he’s been seeing bobcats as well.  And boar.  And elk.  Which leads me to wonder why my freezer is almost empty, and more importantly… What the HELL am I doing walking around in those woods chasing weird sounds with a ROPE and an AXE?!  *polishes up the rueger*

Momma needs a bigger gun.

And wine.  Now.

And a security system for her goat.  Screw the chickens.